Original post: n/a
Context: great reason guys should stop being “less picky”. In the end, its just an excuse for our deeper fears.
A lot of sexually inexperienced guys pass up on good chances because of their pickiness. If directly confronted about why they don’t have a girlfriend, they may use the, ‘I have high standards’ line. Even in their own head, they may reject certain girls for not being up to their expectations. I definitely felt picky at times, and it probably set my losing my virginity back a year or more. Here are some reasons inexperienced guys shouldn’t be too picky. I’ve been there for most of them:
It just be can be an excuse – either to yourself or other people
I started covering this in the intro. A lot of the time your supposed pickiness is just an excuse for why you haven’t done better with women. It can be an overt, calculated excuse that you use to deflect questioning from other people, or it can be something you tell yourself, and which you actually believe on some level. In this case it acts as a defense mechanism to protect your ego – It’s not that your personality needs work or you’re too scared to get a girlfriend, it’s just that no one good enough has come along.
It can be more about your own insecurities and how you want others to see you
Some guys don’t like the idea of dating a less-than-perfect women, not because there’s anything inherently wrong with it, but because they can’t stand the thought of what other people would think of them. They want to be admired and seen as cool, and having an average girl on their arm doesn’t accomplish that in their mind. They may also have low confidence and be uncomfortable with themselves in general, and think that if they could only be seen with really hot girls it would make them more worthy to the world somehow.
What you think you want is only an educated guess
When you’ve never been with a woman or had a girlfriend, you’re really just making a guess at what you want. When faced with the various qualities of women firsthand, you may reevaluate your preferences. You may think you need a girl to have certain personality traits, but later you’ll find they’re not as important as you thought. Or you may believe certain traits are horrible, but eventually find they’re really not that bad.
For example, you may think that you need a girl to be super sophisticated and knowledgeable. But you could find that most of your time with her isn’t spent discussing deep complicated topics, and that a girl with more average book smarts is fine. Or you could discover you don’t even like talking about intellectual topics as much as you thought you did, and that a girl who’s good at light conversation and joking around is much more preferable. Or you may think you like girls with small perky breasts, but find you’re actually into big boobs once you get to play with some.
Since you don’t really know what you like yet, why write off scores of women before giving them a chance? Experience different kinds and see what you’re drawn towards.
You don’t have experience with all the dimensions in which women can be enjoyable
When you’re totally inexperienced, you can really only judge women from afar. You can evaluate them on looks, or on what their personalities seem to be like when they’re interacting with other people or yourself in a non-romantic capacity. So it’s easy to have unrealistic physical standards, or to only like girls who seem to have a certain type of character.
But there are other areas in which women can be enjoyed:
* What they’re like when they’re with guys they’re interested in * What they’re like with their boyfriends * What they’re like one-on-one * How affectionate they are * Sides of themselves they only show to people who know them well
* What their bodies look like when they’re naked (and when your only experience is with porn, you can forget that you don’t get to see real women’s bodies right away) * What their bodies physically feel like (i.e., firmness, smoothness, overall proportions) * What specific parts of them look and feel like (e.g., breasts, legs, ass) * How good they are in bed as a whole * Their style in bed * What their technique is like for certain things (e.g., kissing, blow jobs, sex)
So a picky inexperienced guy could think he only wants the cute, seemingly nice, smart girl, while turning down the apparently average, sort-of-annoying girl. But if he were to actually date them he may find:
Cute, nice, smart girl:
* Is weird and kind of messed up one-on-one. * Is way too needy and clingy in a relationship. * Has a skinny, bony body and small floppy tits. * Is a bad kisser. * Is horrible in bed.
Average, sort-of-annoying girl:
* Is ‘annoying’ because she’s uncomfortable in groups and is actually really fun and cool once you get to know her better. * Or she could be ‘annoying’ in a way that’s relevant to certain other people, but not an issue with you. * Has a different (good) personality around her boyfriends, compared to her friends. * Has an awesome body under her clothes. * Is really supportive and affectionate. * Gives great head. * Has a style in bed that really meshes well with your own.
If you judged these two girls only on looks and their observable day-to-day personality, you’d have come to the wrong conclusion. That’s not to say you should always choose a so-so girl over a seemingly better one, just that the so-so girl probably has things going for her as well. With experience our hypothetical guy may have been able to evalute the two girls on some of (obviously not all) their dimensions besides ‘looks’ and ‘day-to-day personality’ and make a better call.
You’re not totally aware of what’s important and what isn’t
This continues the point made under the previous two headings. When you’re inexperienced and you’ve formed an idea of what you want in a girl, or in a relationship, you may place too much emphasis on factors that don’t really matter all that much.
For example, you may too specific about what traits you need in a partner. But if you think about it, all a girlfriend really needs to be is someone who you’re attracted to and who you have a good time with. That can come in all kinds of combinations. That she likes the same bands or authors as you probably doesn’t matter. Or what does it matter if she doesn’t enjoy your love of a certain hobby, if you never participate in it with her around? Overall, ‘on paper’ qualities aren’t as important as how well you get along with each other on a day-to-day basis. Your preferences are changeable based on your experiences
One more point to wrap up the ‘you don’t really know what you want yet’ theme. When you’re inexperienced all your preferences are coming from within. You may decide you like petite blondes, for example. But if you have good experiences with other types of girls, your preferences will change. For example, you may not feel much pull towards tall brunettes, but if you date/hook up with a bunch of them and have a great time, and at the same time meet some petite blondes who are horrible people, your ‘type’ will start to change. So why not go for that girl who’s into you, but you’re indifferent to her type? If things go well, one day she will be your type.
Pickiness can be a rationalization for avoiding the anxiety associated with getting physical experience for the first time
I think for many inexperienced guys, my old self included, one part of them really wants to have sex/kiss a girl/whatever, but another part is quite nervous about doing so. That nervousness is understandable of course, especially if you’re an older virgin.
Still, what can happen is you logically think you want to get laid as soon as possible, but when you’re presented with the chance to do so, the nervousness kicks in, and in that moment escaping your anxious symptoms takes precedence over losing the v-card. But your mind throws a rationalization on top of the anxiety in the form of your feeling picky.
I missed out on some free passes to lose my virginity because at the time I had this vague feeling that I wasn’t into the girl. Looking back it was really just masked nervousness.
Depending on what you want to do, you don’t need a perfect girl to do it with
If you want to meet someone you could marry, then it makes sense to have high standards. But for other objectives, it doesn’t make as much sense to only accept the best.
The classic example is just wanting to get laid, period. The girl doesn’t need to be a model for that. Her personality doesn’t matter all that much either. She just has to be willing to sleep with you. If that sounds crass, the same standards apply for a girl looking to hookup for one night; it doesn’t matter much what the guy is like as a person, he’s just needed for one night of fun. A casual hookup or fuck buddy relationship may be based on having physical chemistry with someone, but not a lot in common otherwise, but that’s just fine for such a thing.
It’s a no brainer that hooking up with hot girls is better, but even then I think inexperienced guys can overvalue the importance of looks in a casual hookup. Whacking off to porn is driven by the visuals, but real sex is more about the physical feelings it gives you. In terms of feel, the difference between a hot girl and an average girl isn’t enormous. Her lips, skin, legs, breasts, hands, mouth, vagina, etc., still feel pretty much the same. And if the average girl is skilled and into it, while the hot girl just lies there, then the balance shifts even further.
Or as another example, if you’ve never been on many dates, and want to get used to them, you don’t need to go out with your dream girl to accomplish that. Just go on some fun, casual outings with anyone who’s fairly cool. Same goes with learning to be more comfortable and adept talking to girls. You can hone your skills on all kinds of women, not just the elite.
You should be realistic about what you have to offer yourself
It’s cool to only want the best, but if you’re not so hot yourself, why would a high caliber woman want to be with you? Why do you think you’re above dating an average girl if you’re only average yourself? If you’re honestly not all that great, then you’ll do better for yourself at first if you stick to girls on your level. Later, you can try to live the dream and hook up with women who are supposedly out of your league, but that is harder, so get that ever important basic experience first.
Regular girls are probably easier to get than high quality ones
This point is practical and assumes that as an inexperienced guy, your first priority is getting the monkey off your back at the earliest possible date. Feeling you can only go after hot girls will set that goal back. For one, there’s going to be more competition for them. They have options. Secondly, you’re going to be more awkward and intimidated around them. You’re more likely to feel calm and comfortable around less-intimidating women, and you’ll come off better as a result.
In hindsight every guy wishes he wasn’t as picky
Once you do have sex, or start getting it regularly, you’re going to look back on all the chances to get it earlier and think, “Man, I totally should have hooked up with that Gwen girl when I had a chance.” Or even guys who have been getting laid for a while, at times they’ll pass up on opportunities to hookup with girls who seemed below their standards at the time, and end up not getting any that night. Later they’ll be thinking back on it and tell themselves, “Yeah, I should have done that chubby girl who I was dancing with that one time. She wasn’t that bad, and it’d still have been pretty fun.” So don’t create future regrets, bone that fatty now! Just kidding.
But don’t get me wrong, you still need some standards
This whole article, I’ve been talking about why being too picky is bad, but there’s a difference between that and completely selling your values out and feeling bad about yourself afterwards. Everyone needs some minimal standards. I’m not saying to stick your dick in everything that comes along. There are going to be times where you pass on sex with a girl and you don’t regret it for a second. Also, once you start getting better with women, and your priorities have to do with more than just getting sex, any kind of sex, it’s natural for you to be more choosy. Follow your gut, if you really feel against doing something then don’t do it. But at the same time, realize that for plenty of girls, you may be being too hard on them