• The Approach Mindset

    by AlphaWolf & Co.

    Hey, this is Bobby Rio from Make Small Talk Sexy… and today I wanted to talk to you about the idea of developing an “approach mindset.”I’ve been coaching a lot of guys recently, and one thing that keeps coming up is this idea of the “approach mindset.”  Sometimes this is referred to as being “in state” or “in the zone.”  And today I wanted to explore some ideas and concepts I’ve found useful for achieving this.State of mind is really important and the closer you are to being in the zone, the better chances you have of a successful opener.

    The first piece of advice I want to give you is to be curious.

    Curious George

    Be curious!

    Take the mentality of curiosity.

    What I mean by this is, when you go to talk to a girl, look at it like a learning experience: what am I going to learn from this interaction? Not only what I’m going to learn about my abilities to pick up women and what I need to work on, but also what am I going to learn about her, meeting a new person, what can I learn about this new person?

    And look towards value that you can give, rather than what you can get.  What I mean by this is instead of concentrating on getting her number, or getting your ego stroked, or getting a one night stand… Begin to think in terms of “how can I add value to her night?”

    Begin to look at her in a way of curiosity, in a way of a woman that is completely blank slate to you. And look at her like a woman that you really want to get to know. And by doing this, you’re giving her value because most people don’t look at her in that way.

    Most people have like this black and white mentality of ‘What do I want?’ and ‘How can I get it?’ They don’t really think that the other person is another human being with their own fears and insecurities and frustrations, and all these things whirling around in her head. So be conscious of that. She’s a human being, not just a number, not just a name or a pretty face. And have a genuine sense of curiosity to peel away her layers, like an onion.

    The next mindset step that I wanted to give you is this idea of ‘Chunking’.

    And this is something that if I can name different parts of things that I’ve learned that have really impacted me. Chunking is one of the things that have really stepped up my game and helped me with my opening.

    Chunking means you look at it one step at a time.

    The biggest obstacle to the approach is not feeling overwhelmed by the challenge.

    Now, the feeling of getting overwhelmed comes largely in part because not only are you thinking of ‘Oh my God, I’ve got to walk over and talk to the girl. I got to walk over and think of something cool to say. And then once I start thinking of something cool to say then I going to then start thinking of something else cool to say, and then I’m going to have to see if she’s interested in me, and I don’t know if I should keep talking and what if I run out of things to say, and then what if her friends walk over and I have to talk to them?’

    And you get so overwhelmed with all the possibilities of ‘What’s going to happen?’ that is what brings on approach anxiety. But by chunking it, you just look at one step at a time. What’s the first step I need to take if I want to talk to that girl?

    Well the first step is walking in her area, or getting close to her.

    So you got to walk over to her, that’s the first step. Easy enough.

    Second step you’ve to do is ‘I got to think of something to say to start a conversation’.

    So if you’re not good at thinking on your feet keep a few good pua openers in your head.  And bam, now you have something to say to start the conversation.

    Step one is walking over. Easy enough. Step two is start a conversation. Say something. That’s all you have to do. Don’t worry about anything else except starting the conversation.


    Step 1: Approach

    Once you start the conversation, then the next step becomes, ‘get rapport’. And then the next step becomes ‘build attraction’, and the next, etc . But you don’t worry about each step until you get there. You can’t worry about creating attraction or building rapport until you have opened her.

    Don’t worry about anything until you open.

    And just look at it as one step at a time. And each of those steps you’re going to have to learn and get better at. You’re going to have to learn how to walk over in a cool way. Well, once you walk over in a relaxed, cool, confident way, the next step is to get good at opening. Once you get good at opening, the next step is to get good at creating rapport. And the next step is getting good at transitioning from a rapport to an attraction, and then even to a sexual attraction. But it’s one step at a time.

    The final piece of advice I want to give you about the approach mindset is that you want to jump in the water and learn to swim.

    Now what I mean by this jumping in the water and learning to swim is that you’re not going to get it perfect right away. And in fact, if you think that reading to this is going to get you perfect, or listening to anything is going to get you perfect, it’s not.

    Opening a woman up and starting to talk to her is going to put you out of your comfort zone, and you’re not going to be good at it if you haven’t done it a lot. But you got to just jump right in.

    And what I mean by that is just open a girl up. Just start talking to her. And you don’t know what’s going to happen.  But that’s the beauty of it.

    Remember, bring a sense of curiosity to every approach… and you don’t have to worry about knowing what comes next.  Part of the excitement is finding out.

    If you want a collection of the best pua openers then grab my free PDF now.  I’m also giving away an hour long podcast I did on approaching and opening women.

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    Richard | RichardShelmerdine.com April 29, 2010 - 5:04 am

    Approaching is just something you have to force yourself to do the second you doubt it. Then it will become natural to you even if you mess up the first few times.

    Charles April 29, 2010 - 7:10 pm

    Approaching people is so difficult when your nervous. It’s like you have to really build up confidence in yourself. If you practice in smaller situations then it will become easier.

    David Black May 2, 2010 - 3:27 am

    I love the mentality of thinking how you can add value to her night. A big issue with guys is just being too narcissistic, always thinking in terms of ‘what’s in it for me?’. Once you can get away from that, you find that if you give good stuff out, you get it back anyway. It’s like meta-selfishness.

    Kent May 3, 2010 - 4:45 am

    I love the curiosity, this article help me a lot in my mindset improvement.


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