Tactical vs. Strategic feedback

Today I learned the value of strategic versus tactical feedback. I was out with a wing, Sexual Twinkie. For those of you who don’t know him, this kid is newly 21 and isn’t afraid to approach at all. In fact, he AMOGGed 3 really big, good looking black guys today for two blondes and won out!

His dance game is also solid and very tight. As I was giving him some feedback I realized that what I was saying wasn’t sinking in. “You’re opening is great, but you lose the girl because your whole vibe is not authentic enough.”

“But what does that mean?”

I tried a couple of times but the message did not resonate with him. So I decided to try a different approach. To his credit, ST also asked me, “tell me exactly what I did wrong”

I then started to point out a few things tactically:

  1. He didn’t really listen to the girl. At the mall he asked for the girl’s name twice and what she did twice, and both times, I had to tell him again.
  2. He didn’t build enough comfort with the college girl before asking for her contact. She said, “but I don’t know you”. That was your queue to ask her more rapport building questions.
  3. When you say “you’re not my type”, you’re facial expression is serious and it came across as very harsh. The proper response from a “neg” should be laughter. You have to say it as if you’re regretting it. “Oh man… I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t even bring this up!”. Girl: “What do you mean?” PUA: “You’re very pretty. I mean, any guy would probably be into you, but you’re just not my type right now”. It has to come across as humble. I’ve learned this the hard way many times when girls got offended. Depending on your avatar, your neg HAS to be calibrated to be playful, fun, and in the moment.
  4. You’re just throwing out line after line. It is ok to pause. Sometimes, unspoken moments tell all about the person and how they handle themselves. Whenever there’s silence, you always break the pressure vacuum first and make a statement or ask her a question. This gives her more power in the interaction because you’re reacting to her. You have to truly believe that you’re not hitting on her, especially if she’s hot.
Overall, these tactical mistakes translate to a bigger, inner game shift. The ability to connect authentically with someone else instead of “gaming them”. But I wasn’t able to explain that to him by just telling him the macro-level stuff. As a coach, you have to be good enough to point out both tactical and mental errors.
Arash told a great story this week at the SF Hooter’s gathering and I’ll share it with you here:

Think about the blue bird. He’s inside the neighborhood trees singing everyday. People that walk by enjoy his melodic chirps. The bird sings everyday, whether there were people walking in the streets or not. Coincidentally, this also displays his survival value, and female blue birds come to notice and mate with him. One day, a man passed by and decided to let the blue bird in on a little secret.

The man says, “you know, the song you’re singing is great and all, but it has a reproductive purpose. You sing it and the females come and therefore mate with you. So, it is an instrument just for mating.”

The blue bird, if it was “intelligent”, would have thanked the human for this new knowledge. Day after day, he will start thinking about what the human said, and he will start to notice the people and birds that are walking and flying by. Slowly but surely, he becomes more self conscious. He’s now singing because he’s trying to “mate”. His songs become controlled but forced, and he loses his natural chirpiness and innocence.

If the bird was smart, and simply “understood” what the human said but ignored it, he would have carried on singing his song.

Arash: The point of this story is that we meet women because we are men. It is a natural progression. We practice martial arts, dance, interact socially, create. These are things that are we born to do. So is meeting women. The moment we start doing it for someone else, and for things other than our own enjoyment, it becomes unnatural and forced. Even in deliberate practice of game, we need to understand that I’m going over there to talk to her, because there was something naturally attractive about that person, and I want to learn more. It has to come from a quick but definite decision.


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