• Reward & Relate

    by AlphaWolf & Co.

    Quick Definition: A conversational technique for genuinely listening to a person, rewarding them when they make a statement, and relating to the statement with a statement of one’s own.

    Full Definition:

    Rewarding and relating is a conversational technique that helps to prevent conversations from turning into a one-sided Q&A session. Rather than following questions with more questions, by rewarding and relating, the PUA is able to genuinely appreciate the answer given by the person they are speaking to, reward them for answering the question, and relate to them by sharing something about themselves.

    The following is an example of what not to do:

    AFC: So where are you from?

    HB: I grew up in Hawaii, but I moved to California.

    AFC: That’s cool. What part of Hawaii are you from?

    HB: From Oahu.

    AFC: That’s cool. Did you go to school there?

    HB: Yeah, I didn’t leave Hawaii until college.

    AFC: That’s cool. So what were you like in high school?

    HB: ….

    As you can see, the conversation above is completely one-sided, boring, and doesn’t provide the HB with anything to relate to because the AFC does not reveal anything about himself. If the HB is not strongly attracted, she may even come to resent having to answer the barrage of questions and end the interaction.

    A better conversation, that uses rewarding and relating:

    PUA: So what were you like in high school?

    HB: I used to be a total nerd in high school. I had these big thick glasses that I wore to class everyday. (Personality conveying statement/Vulnerability)

    PUA: I knew you were a nerd! (Neg/Banter). Just kidding. In all seriousness, that is really cool that you’re able to admit that and be comfortable with your progression since high school! Most people are still nerds, they are just hiding it. (Reward for personal response)

    HB: I know! Haha

    PUA: Although I was on the basketball team in high school, outside of the court, I was a little nerdy too when it came to my studies. (Relate)

    Rewarding and relating generally follows the structure above, and is useful in building a connection and having an interesting conversation. Essentially, the PUA is making the person feel good about sharing something or initiating a good behavior, which encourages future good behavior. He is also conveying a DHV or story about himself that relates directly to the HB and her understanding of the world.

    It is important not to become overly predictable in rewarding her and relating to her every time, (intermittence), thus the use of push and pull is recommended in combination with this approach.


    I was able to build rapport with the girl by mixing in rewarding and relating last night in our conversations.

    Related Terms: Charisma Arts, Vulnerability, Personality Conveying Routine, Emotional Connection, Rapport, Comfort

    Source: Juggler

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    Approach February 28, 2009 - 12:48 pm

    Ну, как сказать, понравилось :) Хотя я все равно ничего не понял. :)

    Livieri March 10, 2009 - 2:24 pm

    Didn’t know that this term even existed. I do this naturally

    casual March 10, 2009 - 2:44 pm

    Yeah, the term comes from Charisma Arts. They really break down the different elements of a conversation so that you can communicate most effectively.


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