I asked you what I could help you with, and you responded.
With a sample of over 1000 responses via PUA Lingo, I was able to put together how I can help most of our readers. Here is a pie chart showing the different issues that guys have when it comes to women and building a happy dating life: (click on the image to see the 100% enlarged version)
ISSUE #1: “I don’t have any confidence around women – I freeze up”
First thing I want to say: It’s cool. We’ve all been there.
Your body freezes up because of the anxiety that is created when you sense fear or the unknown. Physiologically our heart beats faster, sending more blood flow throughout the body. You may feel hot or that you’re blushing. Your feet won’t move due to the fight or flight response, and your body has chosen “flight”, and since in today’s society we can’t exactly run away from every girl we see, we can “act dead”. This is usually followed by over-rationalization or thinking up excuses of why you can’t approach the girl or being overly down on yourself.
In The Natural Art of Seduction Gambler talks about taking his friend out to the bar. The first time, they just sat there and hung out. The second time, Gambler demonstrated how to talk to a girl. Then they just hung out at the bar. Over the next 2 weeks, he slowly conditions his friend to be comfortable and “at home” in the club environment. Your mind recognizes no real threat or danger and you become more and more comfortable at the bar. At the end of his training, his friend was able to start talking to a girl, and kiss her at the bar. La Ruina remembers this moment as “I’ve trained a lot of students, but watching my friend get the result he wanted was one of the most rewarding moments of my life”.
Your first step is to take action, even if it is a small step in the right direction, at getting this handled. I wrote a more ‘natural’ way of learning game in my New Artist Guide, to go ahead and have a read and start there.
ISSUE #2: “I’m afraid to approach women & I don’t know what to say”
Your energy and your body Language are more important than anything you say.
No matter how good a routine, line, or combination of words are, it will never hook if you don’t have the right body language down.
This is because our body speaks the truth, while our words can be manipulated. Approximately,
- First, body language = 60% of our communication
- Tonality and Voice is 20%
- And finally, the words we use, is another 20%
If you need a good list of field tested routines as training wheels, you can find products like this. But remember that even if you have memorized lines, they are just there as external tools you use to realize the principles.
Once you get comfortable approaching and just saying “hi” or an opener of your choice in a masculine, male to female way, you can then work on furthering your conversational skills.
ISSUE #3: “I don’t know how to escalate and get physical with women”
Yes, physical escalation isn’t always necessary at the first meeting, but it is required to continue to courtship. In the Tao of Badass, Josh Pellicer talks about using your body for maximum efficiency. Your upper body presents what you want the world to think of you, with hand gestures and your face being the “face to the world”. Your lower body reflects your real thoughts. This is why presenters with both feet standing firmly on the ground have the most power in a room. Having a strong upper and lower body language is the best way to portray dominance to women. Alternatively, if you are already physically very present, you can lower the dominance level of your upper body to create comfort, and still have a strong lower body stance.
Escalation needs to happen in a subtle way, and no one tackles this problem better than Richard La Ruina (Gambler) in his Stealth Attraction series. He basically teaches you how to sexually escalate without tripper her defense mechanism or conscious response. This way you won’t ever get a flat out “no” response when escalating, and you can keep rinse and repeating the escalation until she opens up or lets you know where her limits are.
ISSUE #4: “I want to know how to start and keep a conversation going”
A lot of guys have this problem. Let me ask you: do you have a problem keeping a conversation going with your guy friends? No? If so, then what you have is a social issue that you need to address by making more friends. Then, apply these conversation skills to the girls you are speaking to.
One of the core issues of this problem is that the guy doesn’t think he’s worthy. Do you think you are equal or higher value to her? Do you “try” to “keep the conversation going” with a homeless person? Or your cleaning lady? No. Because there’s no need to. That hot girl is just a normal human being, and you need to realize this first to solve the core problem.
ISSUE #5: “I need to improve my style and outer appearance”
I have personally seen an improvement in a guy’s style add immediate rewards in 2 ways.
One, he looks more confident and feels more confident about himself. This creates a cycle of positive reinforcement as he’s trying to learn something new in this game.
Second, women pay him more attention. This gives him more opportunities to chat with them, and less resistance when he goes for a connection (phone number, email).
You guys know I quit my job at Google to write Seduce With Style, and I still think this is the book to read on redefining your style efficiently to get the most value from your image.
ISSUE #6: “I’m new to this – I want the beginner skills with women”
You can have a read at my New Artist Guide (top left link) and also, this is a great letter I wrote after I got good at game to help a “younger version” of myself. It is called “Getting Started At Learning Game”
ISSUE #7: “How to create a lifestyle that women find attractive”
You make a good point there. Lifestyle is key for long term game. There are many ways to do this, depending on your station in life and your own unique personality. I remember reading Love System’s Social Circle Mastery by Nick and Braddock, and it talks about Social Connectors and Social Dead Ends, the difference between a Value Connector and Network Connector, and the concept of Social Trees.
A Value Connector, for example, could be an employee at Google who doesn’t have that many friends but can invite you to Google’s cafe’s for free lunch and get you an interview.
A Network Connector is someone who may work as a lowly bartender, but knows a ton of friends socially. Knowing him or her puts you in his network of hundreds of local friends.
ISSUE #8: “I want to increase my masculinity and better show my personality”
Personality conveyance is key, and also all game products focus on some level on bringing out your core personality, or gives you training wheels of displaying a certain type of personality. Much like a comedian or actor who is taking on new roles, you should play with this freely until you have some traits that you really resonate with.
ISSUE #9: “I want to learn how to be sexually skilled with women”
Obviously, experience makes this perfect. I’ve always highly recommended the 2 girls teach sex series as both EDUCATIONAL and ENTERTAINING. They recently launched a new series called “Female Mind Mastery“. There’s a technique called “deep impact”, which makes the women think that your junk is 1-2 inches longer than it actually is. I highly recommend both products, as they are all hosted online and accessed instantly.
For a more mental read on being “sex worthy”, Daniel Rose’s The Sex God Method really opened my eyes to all aspects of Sex Game. In it, he talks about the secret female fantasies that women don’t publicly admit.
ISSUE #10: “I’m anxious”
This has to do with being afraid or being in a new, high pressure environment. See my comments for issue #1.
ISSUE #11: “I want tips on Internet dating and meeting women online”
I don’t do so much online dating, however there are products that claim to solve this problem that I am investigating and testing. I will post more when I find out if they work or not.
ISSUE #12: “I want to know how the big-picture of dating works”
ISSUE #13: “I want to know how to make a relationship work”
Good suggestion. This is an issue not touched upon by most coaches, but it is so important! Maintaining a healthy relationship is just as important to having good game and being able to meet girls. How we handle relationships define who we are in the long run. The best product I have seen on this is Love System’s Relationship Management series.
ISSUE #14: “I want 1 on 1 coaching”
I currently don’t offer coaching, however I would suggest that you find a coach willing to work with you long term, because depending on your skill level it takes at least 3 months to get some traction with being good at picking up most girls that you meet. DJ Fuji has been my long term mentor and I’ve learned a lot from him.
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