Guest post by Scot McKay of X & Y CommunicationsHere it is: I think men’s dating and seduction advice in general focuses WAY too much on the pickup stage.Don’t get me wrong. I get it. If you don’t actually MEET women, then there’s not much chance at anything else happening from there. Granted.
But the problem is that if we beg, borrow or steal just to get her number (or in the case of online dating, a response to our first e-mail), we may actually be mortgaging our ultimate success with women in the process.
The canned lines, cut/paste e-mails and whatever “means to the end” we come up with can leave us asking, “Uh…what do I do next?” sooner than later in our budding relationships with the hotties we’ve just met.
And when that happens, we don’t exactly look confident or masculine.
What’s more, we get uncomfortable…and she follows our lead.
Worst of all, she may even wonder who we REALLY ARE under there. Demonstrating character? Forget it, pal.
So you’ve got it: If you are shortsighted enough to throw all your eggs in the pickup basket (perhaps literally), you stand an excellent chance of getting NOWHERE beyond that.
Why? Because you’ve basically STRUCK OUT when it comes to being a “big four” man…all in under ten minutes.
With all this in mind, it’s no wonder I get tons of messages from guys who report getting their fair share of numbers, but can’t seem to get a woman to actually SHOW UP in person for a first meeting (aka “first dates”, “Day 2”, etc.
Believe me. I’ve been there. It’s frustrating stuff.
And it’s easy to blame women for being so “flaky”, isn’t it?
But guess what? It might not be that women are all that “flaky” after all. It may be that YOU LED.
Before you go accusing me of sniffing drain pipes again, I invite you to consider the following suggested sequence of events as a proposed new strategy for increasing “take rate” on first meetings.
After all, you can keep on doing what you’ve always done and keep on getting what you’ve always gotten…like every other Average Joe.
OR you can handle things with a little more polish and style and outperform average guys when it comes to success with women.
What’ll it be?
1. THINK A FEW CHESS MOVES AHEAD
I admit it. I can’t sit still long enough to enjoy chess.
But I know this much: What separates a great chess player from all others is an ability to visualize what the board could conceivably look like several moves ahead.
By doing this, he is able to form his next move with a greater eventual goal in sight…perhaps even without his opponent realizing the depth of his strategy until it’s too late.
Now it’s not like we’re trying to ensnare women into being checkmated here, of course, but you get the idea.
Simply adopting the mindset that the approach, the conversation and even the “number close” don’t equal “success” in themselves will get you on the right track…even as most other guys are already derailed.
Think in terms of looking ahead to a successful first date and eventually calling your own shot regarding continuing the relationship or not. This simple mind shift will work wonders from minute one…literally.
2. HER COMFORT IS EVERYTHING
If you are worried about being rejected, worried about saying the wrong thing, worried she has a boyfriend, or worried about ANYTHING else don’t be surprised if she’s worried right back atcha.
Again…women will follow your lead.
If you aren’t creepy, aggressive or otherwise threatening most women will be PERFECTLY FRIENDLY to you. And if they are not friendly even in the face of you being perfectly reasonable and personable with them, then I’d say you’ve DODGED A BULLET.
Believe me, I hear from guys all the time who are confused about consistent failure to make first dates happen…and they blame women for it.
But the reality is that they’ve almost always been presenting themselves to women in a way that causes discomfort to them.
And if she’s not comfortable with you, she’s NOT GOING OUT WITH YOU.
She simply will not be willing to be alone with you. Even in a “well lit public area”.
The cure is to STOP being so self-absorbed. Let go of the potential bad things that could happen to YOU in a pickup situation, and instead wake up to considering what will make her feel MORE COMFORTABLE with you.
Women actually love it when a calm, casual guy starts a respectful conversation with them.
By the way, you are NOT a threatening, creepy weirdo simply because you are a man, so STOP worrying about that too.
You are only a threatening, creepy weirdo when you’re threatening, creepy or weird. And if you’re not normally that way, it’s only going to come off as such if you’re too wadded up in your own gig to pay attention to the situation at hand.
3. BE CLEAR ABOUT YOUR INTENTIONS, BUT CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY
OK, now we get to the part that you might especially appreciate if you often find yourself striking up great conversations with women only to later be left wondering “what happened?”
Basically, we’ve got to keep in mind that women REALLY DO want to meet guys, go on dates and be happy.
But all too often, we instead talk them out of going out with us before they’ve even had a chance to draw their own conclusions.
It’s OKAY to want to see her again. It’s OKAY that you’re attracted to her.
In fact, she KNOWS both of those things already. Instinctively.
So make with it, already. ASK HER OUT. Otherwise, she’s not going to ask herself out.
And she’s not going to suggest it’s okay for you to ask her out either, in case you’re wondering. She wants you to LEAD.
So stop shying away from all of this. If you wimp out, she’ll know exactly what the deal is.
It sounds so basic, doesn’t it? But in the real world, guys get a woman’s number and they quickly duck out, thinking they’re “quitting while they’re ahead”.
You don’t want HER NUMBER…you want HER. Think about that one for a second.
If you’ve ever been in sales before, think of it this way: You don’t want a LEAD…you want a SALE.
Commissions are WAY DIFFERENT than human beings, of course, but the analogy applies, doesn’t it?
So don’t simply “get her number”. Tell her you want to see her again.
And here are the three magic words: “Lets make plans.”
You don’t have to come right out with the pressure of, “Uh…let’s go out on a date.” And you don’t have to euphemize the issue by saying, “Let’s hang out sometime.”
Nope. “Let’s make plans” is the world’s smoothest way to articulate EXACTLY what you are up to…all in a distinctly masculine and confident manner.
4. SET EXPECTATIONS
Sure, you’ve actually got to get her number. But what most guys forget to do is tell her what they plan to DO with her number.
As we’ve just noted above, lots of guys LEAVE after getting her number.
But the reality is that they’re only setting themselves up for failure.
When you get her number, tell her you’re going to CALL HER. And tell her WHEN.
You’re not going to “hit and run” with some text message because you have no idea what you’d say were she to actually answer the phone and/or because you fear she won’t have an “erase/re-record” function on her voicemail.
And since you are a confident, masculine man you don’t worry about looking “needy” because you AREN’T needy.
So assuming you really have to get up early the next morning and it’s going to be a long day, tell her you’ll call her day after tomorrow. Sometime around mid-evening, maybe.
She’s a human being, man. And if you’ve made it this far there’s a pretty good chance she’ll be excited to hear from you when you call. So shouldn’t Step One be to let her know when she might expect to be ready to answer the friggin’ phone?
After all, most guys get her number without giving her theirs (which does not have to be your style, by the way). So as a result, all you are is an unknown phone number at a random time…unless you MAN UP and set expectations appropriately.
5. FOLLOW UP
Now here’s the simplest (but not necessarily the easiest) part: Actually DO what you said you’d do.
You may have even told her that you look forward to talking to her more and had the presence of mind to make sure she plans on being available at the time you’re going to call her.
So you call her when you said you would, and you MAKE PLANS like you said you would.
You tell her when you’d like to meet with her. You tell her you believe that the man should pick a woman up and bring her home, but you respect the fact that you’re just getting to know each other so if she’d like to meet you at the appointed place and time that’s fine.
She’ll tell you what she’s comfortable with. And yes…she’ll be COMFORTABLE with the choice—all because you set the tone.
And if she can’t make it when you suggest, she may offer a different time. Then again, she may not have that part of dating skill figured out yet. After all, she’s HUMAN, remember?
If she doesn’t suggest a time when she is available, suggest a second one for her. If she can’t make that one, then you have two choices.
First, you can assume she’s uninterested and hang up. After all, that’s what some PUAs would tell you to do.
Or, you can sack up and remember you aren’t desperate. You’re simply a man who knows how to get what he wants and make things happen.
You can say that she clearly sounds like a busy woman, and that can only mean that she REALLY needs to get out of the house. Have her suggest TWO times that will indeed work for her. One will likely work for you.
Then get over yourself. It was either that or voluntarily cancel your own chances. Sometimes women are thinking exactly what you’re thinking: “don’t be too available”. Someone’s got to break the stalemate, and you can LEAD by breaking it the way I just suggested…and come off as even more of a real man in the process.
Truth be told, there’s no “foolproof” way to get a first date with a woman. Anything can happen between when you first approach her and when you actually get around to meeting alone together.
But given a situation where it’s unreasonable to “make plans” on the spot and take her with you, what I’ve just shared is a WAY more solid plan than what most guys consciously bring to the table.
The key word being “conscious”. Look alive out there, and give yourself a clear advantage.
Scot McKay is one of the world’s premier dating coaches and founder of X & Y Communications. Check out his brand new program designed to take you from good to great with women, called The Master Plan: http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/masterplan