• Approval Seeking

    by AlphaWolf & Co.

    Quick Definition: The need to validate oneself via the approval of others. Approval Seeking behavior involves a person doing things with the primary intention of gaining the approval and attention of others.

    Full Definition:

    Approval Seeking is a very needy and unattractive behavior that PUAs seek to eliminate, or minimize as much as possible. Approval Seeking is a basic human behavior, but doing too much of it communicates that the individual is insecure and needs the approval of others for validation.

    Approval Seeking often manifests itself as bragging or qualifying in attempt to impress a target; changing one’s behavior in an attempt to “please” a woman; or any other form of outcome dependent behavior that looks to others for approval.

    Not only is Approval Seeking very unattractive to others, it can be devastating for your inner game as well, as any negative reaction by others is taken personally as a reflection of your self image. One of the most important lessons of pickup is to not take the reactions of others personally. Instead, you should build a solid inner confidence that is not dependent on external factors such as the approval of others.

    Inner Game Psychology

    Social psychologists argue that, as children, we need to seek approval. If a child does not get approval, validation, or acceptance from an adult, his or her chances of survival and health are at risk. Therefore, being cute and seeking approval is a survival mechanism in children.

    As adults, we learn the importance of validating ourselves. But in truth, most people still have some remnant of their infant tendencies, especially with mother and father figures.

    Whenever someone approves of us, it gives us a feeling we like. This feeling differs between Alpha, beta, and omega members of a tribe. For the beta and omegas, these silent emotions tell us that we’re good, wanted, or in some way important (this is theoretical and highly general, but the concept applies).

    For an alpha male, the approval of others is a nice bonus; however he has other more solid foundations on which to base his self esteem. This can involve his relationship bond with himself, God, family, and close friends (or even an idea greater than himself). Alphas are also more used to approval and acceptance from others, and the tipping point for feeling satisfaction from approval increases over time. It usually takes the approval of another Alpha male or female of its tribe to invoke the same sense of satisfaction in an Alpha than a beta or omega. This phenomenon can be seen in the spoiled cast of shows such as The Hills and celebrities like Paris Hilton and high fashion models.

    Usage: This guy is super approval seeking in front of Vanessa right now.

    Related Terms: Alpha, Beta, DLV, DHV, Congruence

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    Magic Fingers June 15, 2010 - 5:34 am

    This article is really really good ! Perhaps the best description of the most common DLV we see all the time.

    Avi April 25, 2020 - 3:37 pm

    My question is as a woman when is approval seeking a turn off to men? I guess I am not at all an approval seeker but when I like (admire) someone then I want to share about myself to get them to admire me too. Like share my thoughts, talents, skills, etc. Not like bragging exactly but like hey look what I did. I realize that it is a little childish and I think I am a bit child like in how I relate to men, mostly because I tend to like men I see as being slightly paternal

    AlphaWolf & Co. April 25, 2020 - 3:43 pm

    There’s a difference between approval seeking vs. admiring someone, and seeking rapport with someone. One you’re giving up your integrity and values to do, the other, you’re making an effort to make a real connectio.


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