Long time no see. I want to talk about a big topic that no one seems to be discussing. DJ Fuji once said that 90-95% of the students that first start learning game drop out within a year because it simply becomes too hard. I have been in the game for a while now and have seen progress in many friends, and also stagnation from others. Today I want to address the issue of why so many intermediate PUAs still suck. If you still suck, or are not getting the results you want, this post is for YOU! (With love, of course)
We talk about a lot of game, but not everyone is always out in the field all the time. One way of looking at game is Outer vs. Inner Game. The field is where learning takes place in terms of the technicals of game. Lifestyle reflects the inner workings of a PUA’s self. Both paths can work, and they are not mutually exclusive. I want to talk about the 7 most common mistakes I see PUAs make in both outer and inner game:
Technical outer game issues
1. A lot of intermediate PUAs are still lacking a strong enough reason (AKA “Leverage”) for going out and learning game. Without this specific goal, on tough nights out where the sets do not go well, there is no good reason for the PUA to continue pushing himself. The light at the end of the tunnel does not appear. What is your reason? To find a wife? To become that guy you saw in the movies? The reason for change must trump the challenges of change. Until you find this reason, chances are you will give up when faced with moderate adversity.
2. AA. This topic has been explored extensively. I will just add that your approach anxiety over time can be permanently reduced by 2 things: 1, having a strong inner game and calm confidence about yourself and 2, having a strong enough purpose to propel you forward. I personally find that giving your friend $20 and only getting back after 3 opens is a great way to get the night rolling.
3. Style. I see a lot of guys who post amazing FRs and have great writing skills. But, when I see them in person, their clothes and style do not match the refinement of their thoughts. Getting your basic fashion style right is really, really important. You never get a chance to make a second impression, and with girls, style can be a deal breaker. Good style also make guys stand out so much more than the average looking guy. This topic deserves its own blog (oh, wait, it exists!). If you feel like your style is holding you game back, checkout this ebook.
4. Speech + Communication I personally have a problem with speaking too fast and sometimes mumbling. Others I see mostly speak too softly. There are many books and resources on voice training. Use it. For starters: slowing down, talking louder, and talking with more authority will increase a PUA’s game by tenfold when all of his other technical issues are sorted out (body language, style, eye contact). It is amazing how many PUAs focus on routines and words, when most of what they communicate is already done via their body language and tonality alone:
5. Having something interesting to say. It has come to my attention that a lot of guys “stall out” in a set. They run out of “material”. This is strange to me as I have a low filter between my brain and my mouth. I would suggest that most artists become familiar with their own interests and if all else fails, go back into your memory bank of your favorite subject, be it fashion or math. Passion sells. That said, topics that interest most women involve relationships, gossip, fashion, celebrities, astrology, and other chick crack so be at least aware of some conversation topics along these lines.
6. Closing and follow up. I used to think that girls hated me if they never called me back. I was half right, they just were not that interested. It is interesting how we make up ideas of why girls don’t call us, when in a job interview, if a call is never made after a face to face, we generally assume they moved on. I think that girls usually will pick up and follow up if they really like you. Logistical issues around “phone and text game” can increase your percentages, but honestly this is usually not the source of the problem. If you are getting flakes from numbers, 99% of the time the problems originate in the first set or meeting. Fix your game, and your numbers will solidify.
7. Being happy versus being predatory mindset. I see guys who learn game despite everything else. They only talk to girls, and there’s a sense of pride in them. Yet, in their pride, they seem also to be very lonely. I think the following quote from “authentic happiness” summarizes my feelings well:
“[Dr. Martin Seligman:] Before I saw the data, I thought that unhappy people – identifying with the suffering that they know so well, would be more altruistic. So I was taken aback when the findings on mood and helping others without exception revealed that happy people were more likely to demonstrate that trait. In the laboratory, children and adults who are made happy display more empathy and are willing to donate more money to others in need. When we are happy, we are less self-focused, we like others more, and we want to share our good fortune even with strangers. When we are down, though, we become distrustful, turn inward, and focus defensively on our own needs. Looking out for number one is more characteristic of sadness than of well-being.”
Inner Game Issues plague all of us. In my opinion, inner game is much more important than outer game. Good inner game allows an artist to get girls without outer game mechanics, while good outer game mechanics will never allow an artist to get a girl that truly loves him for who he is. He may get lays here and there, but he will never allow a girl to fall in love with him if he is not already in love with who he is as a person. That said, I see the following inner game issues plague some of the guys in the community:
1. Not being honest with yourself and others about your skill level in picking up women
A lot of guys exaggerate their successes. This is fine for a short while or when done in good fun, but when it becomes a constant battle to live up to the realities of your exaggerated stories, it becomes destructive. Being honest with yourself with where your game is truly at is the best way to improve. Without knowing where you are, you become lost in where you are going. Being honest with friends is also helpful in that they can assist you in your blind spots and give advice. I see too many guys who have egos that do not allow them to honestly assess how well they are doing.
Guys who do this may get temporary respect on the first night with newbies or with new folks by constantly bragging about their FRs and knowledge of game. However, for those who are close to them, these conversations only push us further away as we realize that we can no longer learn proper game with someone who is not honest about their progression and skills. Additionally I have found that the best PUAs are often times the most humble or modest about their pickup abilities. They let the actions do the talking.
2. Rumination of bad events
Bad sets happens to the best of us man. Pickup is hard in that social rejection does something to your hardwired brain in a tribal society that makes rejection very emotionally gut-bewitching. I feel you. Best to move on. Guys who think about the bad event over and over again and “ruminate” on it tend to develop depression.
One way I think about it is that girls who respond badly for no reason are probably having a bad day, and girls who respond very negatively have no class. Their response is a projection of their own personalities, and not of you. Remember that. There are plenty of topics that cover the subject of bitch shields and how to get past them, and this is an important skill to learn regardless of your passive social value.
3. Not giving yourself credit outside of pickup
I see a lot of guys who have PhDs, cool dudes with cool lives, but no girls. That doesn’t mean they are losers. They are cool in their own way. I think the community places so much emphasis on “respect” and “girls” that sometimes, we get lost in all of it. Give yourself the credit you deserve, and realize that pickup is not the holy grail of life.
4. Following only 1 method dogmatically
I used to believe that MM was the shit and the only way to learn game. I would practice structured game night after night with some success. Consistent happiness and success eluded me until I found a girl who really loved me for who I was.
Then, I started listening to guys like Zan and naturals. It became crystal clear to me that natural game is the path to happiness. A guy with strong technicals can work as well, and there’s something very beautiful about a well executed set in its efficiency and effectiveness. Nonetheless, the best guys I have been in both PUA worlds and from the naturals I met from Sweden and Brazil all enjoyed talking to girls. They exuded a sense of real joyfulness and happiness towards their fellow tribe members and towards themselves. This aspect of game can never be copied and I believe is what separates a master from an intermediate.
5. Not mastering sex!
This is a big one. Daniel Rose makes an insightful finding in his book the Sex God Method. He says that good sex is the ultimate attraction switch. I finally understands what he means. Some guys learn game but ignore the fundamental aspects of sex. Sex is the battle ground where, from a purely evolutionary level, males and females fight for domination. Good sex allows the woman to fall in love with you. Good sex allows for a masculine, dominant role in the relationship. Good sex gives you leverage. Guys who are good in bed have girlfriends that put up with a lot of their other flaws or do extra things for them. Conversely, guys who suck in bed have to continually be the less dominant one in the relationship, and constantly feels like he’s investing more to make up for the lack of good sex.
Bad sex, on the other hand, is the main secret cause of breakups, the source of unconscious resentment, and worse, a subtle reason for cheating. A guy in a relationship with bad sex game is always not as dominant, and continues to be the “chaser” who’s keeping the relationship going by over investing. Sex is also about self control, as well as mental understanding and clarity of the artist towards the other person(s). If you haven’t already, read our review of the Sex God Method. It is one of the highest converting products on PUA Lingo for good reason.
Sometimes I go out at night and run zero structured game, or no game at all at an event such as a salsa dance lesson or yoga class. I check to see if I can get any numbers at these venues. While I don’t do as well getting the amount of numbers, the ones I do get usually are more responsive and generally more interested. At worst, they become good friends of mine, and good friends (male and female) are hard to find.
7. Being and remaining selfish and not understanding love and compassion
This sounds basic, but I see a lot of guys who join the community who are unhappy. They become happy through learning this skill only to find unhappiness again in their obsession with the art form or the way they use it. If all else fails, if you do not find what you are looking for in the seduction community, at least know that there are other ways to be happy in life. S&R value is not the end all be all!
At some point, I think intermediate PUAs hit a plateau. I find it useful then to teach newbies and others the skills we learned, because teaching is like learning twice. Give before you receive.