Quick Definition: A “disease” (hence the ‘itis) where a man is stuck on one girl and feels that she is “the one,” usually to the detriment of having any romantic relationship with her.
Oneitis is the seduction community’s play on “itis” as a disease to refer to when a guy falls hard for a girl, to the point of obsessing over her. It is often characterized by the guy making statements such as “she’s the only one for me,” “she’s not like that,” and “she’s different from all the other girls.”
A guy who has oneitis feels that he is in love with the girl and that no other girl can meet his needs in the way that she can. Sometimes the girl is his girlfriend and sometimes just a “best friend” that he is in love with. It can be a form of obsession.
Oneitis is a relatively common occurrence because the idea of being in love, and even of having unrequited love for a girl that doesn’t return the same feelings, has been romanticized in popular culture. In reality, it is a wrenching and painful experience that rarely ever results in a happy relationship.
There are a few different situations in which a guy may catch oneitis, but usually it occurs when he cares more about the girl than she does about him. Oneitis almost always ruins any chance of pickup.
For example, a guy might meet a girl and instantly fall in love with her, even though he doesn’t know her at all. He might begin to analyze every action that she takes, interpreting even the smallest actions as signs of interest and blowing them way out of proportion.
He will usually begin to idealize the girl, projecting unrealistic expectations on her that can only be disappointed by reality. Ironically, all his attraction for the girl will only serve to push her away, since it will be impossible for her to be attracted to a guy that is falling all over her before he even knows her.
A guy can also have oneitis for a girl he knows, usually a female friend whom he is secretly in love with. This is the classic case of unrequited love. The guy will fawn all over the girl, which turns her off, but she might keep him around as an orbiter to use as her emotional tampon, unless he explicitly makes his love known, at which point she is forced to give the LJBF speech.
Guys getting out of long term relationships are also frequently victims of oneitis, especially if the girl broke up with him. Usually, he will still harbor feelings for the girl, which are only intensified by her refusal to return them. Nobody likes to lose something that they have, and they become obsessed with their ex, idealizing the relationship and downplaying the bad parts of it. Guys in this situation often feel like they’ve lost the love of their life and that they’ll never be happy again, classic symptoms of oneitis.
Many guys who join the pickup community do so because of a severe case of oneitis. Some realize that the girl they love will never lover them back and they look for a cure, while others are still obsessed with them and want to do anything it takes to be able to win them back.
There are many famous stories of oneitis within the dating and seduction community. Usually the worst cases of oneitis lead to the greatest successes within this community, as the pain of this experience is the drive for a man looking to change his life. For example, the PUA instructor Paladin was once so love with a girl that cheated on him repeatedly, that he told her: “I’ll always love you, no matter who you sleep with” (read about that story here).
The important thing about oneitis is that it can be cured by realizing that the world is full of beautiful and amazing women that you CAN meet. The usual advice given to guys getting into the community is to FTOW (i.e. sleep with ten other women) to develop an abundance mentality and realize that there other women out there that are just as great, if not better, than the one that wasn’t meant to be.
It is important to note that this term is used simply as a way of describing a situation where a guy is unreasonably obsessing about a girl when she’s not even thinking of him. There are cases of true love, and, in certain situations, a man may even enjoy the feeling of falling for someone. As Hugh Hefner notes, “the best times of my life was when I was in love. I felt like a little boy again.”
The seduction community view on oneitis tends to be one of disfavor. This is often a misunderstanding. We try to personify and define the feeling guys have when they are so attached to a girl that she’s his only option. The feelings of oneitis are an illustration of the guy’s fear. FEAR is the primary emotional driver. The fear of losing her. The fear of not finding another girl. The fear of the challenge of finding a hotter or better girl.
Instead, a man can still feel “at a woman’s mercy,” yet it is not coming from a place of fear, but of longing. In seeking this freedom, the PUA becomes a man who can get any 9 or 10. He therefore no longer fears the unknown of losing a 9 or 10, and therefore his obsession with a girl becomes based on their unique connection, as opposed to his fear or not finding another girl that matches her qualities.
I had a serious case of oneitis, before I went out and FTOWed.
Contributed By: Paladin
- How to Cure Oneitis – Advice on how to get over oneitis
- Confusing Emotion with One-itis – A common mistake that many new PUAs make
Posted by Vince Lin on December 23, 2008